How to let go of the opinions of others and embrace your true self
I remember as a child being taught not to take something that doesn’t belong to me, I’m sure you were the same. Well, I have a confession to make…I have been holding onto a ton of things that were never mine in the first place.
I’m talking about the words that come from others. Some of them said intentionally, others as ‘throw away’ comments. For example ‘You’re not as clever as X’ ‘Good girls are quiet’ ‘Hey thunder thighs!’ ‘You’re so sensitive! You always over-react.’
At a time when I was too young to question whether it was right or wrong, or even true. I didn’t even consciously believe it, I just accepted it.
Between the ages of birth to seven years old we are most receptive because are brain waves are theta to alpha. These brainwaves are so relaxed, taking in everything, like sponges. In this state, we believe everything we hear, from the people around us such as parents and teachers. These learnings form our core beliefs, with most being established by the age of seven.
These core beliefs shape how you think, feel, act and behave not just in childhood but as you continue into adulthood. For me, this led to thoughts of needing to constantly prove I was enough. It led to people pleasing, excessive working, and self abandonment. I found myself going along with things, even when they didn’t feel right, I would hide my own opinions and feelings, and felt responsible for keeping the peace and trying to make others happy.
If like me, you learned early on to value other’s opinions above your own, and that you needed to please others to gain love and value. That belief that the opinions of others matter, holds fast.
It was through coaching that I first became aware of my ‘limiting’ beliefs; the beliefs that were running in the background keeping me ‘playing safe’ and constantly trying to prove my worth. This awareness started my ongoing work to change my beliefs, particularly around letting go of the opinions of others.
So how can you start to change that? Especially when the foundations of your value and worth have been built on what others think?
Challenge the validity of what others say: Just because someone says something, it doesn’t make it so. Is it true? You don’t have to outwardly challenge the person, but you can still ask yourself, is it true? If it’s not, what is the truth, YOUR truth? Take that a step further by reflecting on the evidence to support your truth. You can say (to yourself or to them) ‘I don’t agree with you.’
*I put this into action in a recent conversation with a family member who made a judgemental statement. I said ‘I don’t have to agree with you.’ This takes the power back. You can’t change what they say, but you can choose not to accept it. It felt a bit scary! But so empowering to say those words.
Using meditation to let go of your thoughts: Have you ever found yourself ruminating and reliving what someone says? It doesn’t change what happened, but you keep reliving the pain of it. Once you’ve done step one, challenging the validity, every time you find yourself thinking about it, say out loud ‘I am choosing to let go of this thought, it is not supporting me.’ I have a brilliant ‘unclutching’ meditation that can help you with this, you can check it out here
Work on your own internal locus of validation: This is about building up your own inner trust, so that you focus more on what you know and believe and less what others think, or might think. Get clear on on your values, passions and dreams. Go inward to seek answers. Spend time journaling and self reflecting on your choices, how you are living your values and celebrating learnings and your strengths. Coaching can really help you with this, I have a self-led online course that can get you started
Create your own personal validation statement: This is a strong and empowering statement to come back to anytime you find yourself hurt and holding onto the judgement of others or going along with something that isn’t right. Michael Gervais talks about this in his work as a ‘personal philosophy.’ You can start by reflecting on: When are you at your best, what are you believing about yourself? Who are the people you admire and what are their qualities? What are your favourite quotes and words that resonate with you?’ When you’ve reflected you can create your personal validation statement.
Here’s mine: I accept my own truth. I believe in my abilities. I am following my own path.
Remember, what anyone else’s thinks or says is always a reflection of them. You can’t change it. You also don’t have to accept it.
If you struggle with perfectionism as part of your belief system, check out my last blog article where I provide some support to embrace acceptance instead.
I’ll leave you with this from one of my wonderful mentors, Michele Armstrong; Opinions or feedback from others is like your Granny’s hand knitted jumper. You can receive it with thanks. It’s then your choice whether to wear it or not.
Woman staring out to sea on a bright and sunny day
